Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven’s eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He; blessed am I.
As 2015 comes to a close, there is the obligatory reflection process that is just beginning to percolate – now that the mountain of grading has finally receded. As I stand on the edge of change, I also feel like I am on the edge of terror. That if I entertained the thoughts for any length of time, I would be fully consumed. Thankfully, I haven’t allowed that process to unfold. It’s even automatic – I don’t find myself consciously fighting it. It would be easy for me to be cocky if I hadn’t developed the habit of questioning my stability. I’m often suspicious of my wellness – having become painfully aware of how deceitful the heart can be. I think this keeps me ever vigilant for the dark corners while abundantly grateful for the light. My reliance on God, which keeps me sane, is dependent upon recognition of my fragility.
This has been a challenging year. I’ve spent most of it in a state of reflection in order to make hard decisions. 2016 promises the challenge of enacting all of those decisions. I’ve also watched deep relationships change…settling into a shallowness I did not expect. At the same time, love and support has come from somewhat surprising sources. We often don’t get what we want but He always provides what we need. I have walked through a significant amount of grief. I’m so familiar with the journey for obvious reasons but I had never taken inventory of the abundance of losses from day one of my life. I get the sense that it will be a lifetime journey to unpack the losses I was too busy and/or clueless to recognize. I stand to lose even more in the days ahead but God is leading and I’m a tad bit better at trusting Him to carry me. It’s strange because even as the black hole of anxiety lurks at the edges of my world, there is a peace that is more present and tangible. My heart spends way more time on its knees these days. In the new year, my women’s group is doing a study on prayer. How appropriate. I’d like that discipline to align more closely with this attitude of the heart because I want heaven’s eyes.
I am not brave
I’ll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I’m just a girl
But I am willing, I am Yours
I guess I can look at this new year as a process of making space. A terrifying prospect. He cannot occupy cluttered spaces though so this is a non negotiable battle for one who asks for more of Him. We throw around the phrase “less of me” like it’s so easy but it is not. I find it funny that the older I get, the more knowledge I acquire, the less presumptuous I am about life. What’s really cool is that before, my audacious stance was rooted in fear of the unknown. It was threatening not to have a concrete answer to the dilemmas of life. Now, I’m more comfortable with uncertainty because I am confident of my identity in Christ. Ironic.
Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I’ll hold You in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart Your Bethlehem
Be born in me*
Making my heart His Bethlehem. I suppose that is the theme of 2016. Figuring out what that means. I’ve spent so much of my life being who others needed me to be. I’ve been moving into the person He actually created me to be. Birth is a messy job to be sure but I am held. Blessed am I.
“Blessed are those which die in (the grace) of the Lord.” (to be reborn in Him)
*Be Born in Me Lyrics by Francesca Battistelli