Disclaimer: My posts are usually fairly composed in my head before I begin to type. This one is a ‘process as I type’ exercise so good luck!
The trouble with unstructured time is that you have opportunity to ponder things normally left on the back burner. Today has been one of those days. I sure do wish it had been spent on a beach but Erika would have none of that. I was thoroughly unsettled today reflecting on all that does not align with my hopes. I have friends suffering in ways I cannot fix; I work in a system that hamstrings our ability to be successful – forcing me to consider plan Bs (and Cs); my church faces a fork in the road with seemingly few resources to navigate the journey; my search for personal clarity remains an exercise in frustration. Nothing seems to be falling into place. At the same time, I’m so intimately aware of my blessings and that keeps me grounded in the midst of my increasing desire to run away from home. I look ahead to my trip to Italy in October which may lead to who-knows-what open doors. I’m getting ready to start a new season of women’s bible study and I’m sure that will be an adventure. I have amazing relationships that feed my soul. My friends trust me with their hearts which is no small privilege.
It’s a surreal feeling to be in this conflicting place mentally and emotionally. As I wrestled with some spiritual questions this afternoon, I started composing an email to someone I thought could offer insight. It was not something I wanted to do really – I’ve been avoiding it for a while even though they seem a logical resource and as I wrote out my thoughts, my anxiety increased. I decided to start exploring that fear in my writing and a paragraph later had uncovered a relational dynamic which was feeding the anxiety. I decided not to send the email as the timing for this deeper revelation feels off to me. Another conflicting moment as I was thankful for the insight…an opportunity to avoid harming someone I truly love but also the subversion of an opportunity to solicit guidance. I had worked up the courage to take the step, only to end up convinced that now was not the time. Now that I type that out, I realize that is a theme repeated in other areas as well. What is God up to?
I guess I’m just caught up in a bit of a pity party that wishes this life was a tad bit more linear. I’m at a place in my life where my insight seems to far surpass my power to practically implement it and that is frustrating. I can see and practically taste what I want but there are barriers to having it. I’m sure there is a grander purpose to this theme of frustration but I don’t yet have the motivation to find it. I just want to get my way. To have what I know is rooted in God’s design – what He has wired us to need. “Fair ended in the garden of Eden” my friend tells me but I still long for it. That’s it – a day of longing. I am reminded of portions of the prayer I composed recently:
Teach me to want rightly and help me to live in obedience to those right desires. Recalibrate my heart’s desire for your kingdom. Help me to trust that you will satisfy.
I guess back to the prayer drawing board it is. God has much work to do in me….
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I’m gazing at a distant star.
It’s dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn’t even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
― Haruki Murakami,